Viviane

lenachen:

…I’ve written about all of this before, and to be frank, I was and am afraid of writing about it again. Sometimes, readers ask, “Why do you pay so much attention to this stuff?” Answer: because it astounds me! Doesn’t it astound you? I can deal with people calling me names on the Internet. But what I have never been prepared for? The twisted, sadistic attacks on people I care about and on people I don’t even know (like my readers). I guess my stalkers thought that if they couldn’t hurt me anymore, they’d just start aiming for the closest targets. And that was something I never once anticipated. Each and every single time it happened (and the attacks became progressively worse over the years), I was deeply surprised. I didn’t even know that people were capable of this kind of malice. This is not criticism. This is not disapproval. This isn’t even bullying. This is harassment and intimidation. How does one get over the fact that this is the consequence of writing about sex? That another human being who doesn’t even know you in real life can hate you this deeply?

That’s the reason I stopped SexAndTheIvy.com. Because I didn’t have any recourse or protection (legal or otherwise) and I was sick of being constantly afraid for myself and those around me. So I adjusted accordingly and made myself as non-controversial as possible in order to not attract this type of attention anymore. And even that didn’t drive them all away. The haters won. If you were expecting a happy ending to this entry, I’m afraid there isn’t one. I wake up everyday hoping they haven’t decided to target someone new. When I turned in the second, more honest draft of my essay to Sarah, I was scared, not just of the reactions from readers but of the potential backlash. Because I know the second I start to feel safe, the moment I start to believe that I’m flying under the radar, that’s when it’ll happen again. This is what slut-shaming looks like. It’s not just a slur, a curse word, something uttered and forgotten. It’s about breaking your faith in humankind. It’s about reminding you of the depths of people’s malevolence. It’s about instilling fear so that even if you have a voice, you shut yourself right up because you know what happens when you use it. And at some point, you become so paranoid and terrified that they don’t even need to police you anymore because you start to police yourself.